Learning to write lefthanded

No, this post is not some recommendation of some bizarre sexual practice.

I am beginning to learn the secrets to unlocking the horizontal potential in my life. I consider my relationship to God to be a vertical one. Even if He's not necessarily 'up', he is definitely one I constantly look up to. Which means that my horizontal relationships are those with people who I can look in the eye every day.

My horizontal relationships have been suffering. For a while. Years even. Perhaps I would do better to say that there has never been a time in which they haven't suffered and that just now I am beginning to see some of them coming around to a place of prosperity. Seriously, my whole life I've been on a journey from the center of the Earth. I've been digging my way out of hurts and places where I can't see the light of day.

And now I am beginning to see myself through the eyes of people that have been in my life before now. It's frightening. It's like I finally realized, only after someone held up a mirror, that I am the Morlock and they are the regular people.

I used to look at people as wrong and myself, of course, as right. And now I finally figured out the basis for that skewed vision. Now I am beginning to see people as neither right nor wrong. I am beginning to see them as people. I have had to go back and apologize to lots of people. Even those people I considered friends. Why? Because with those people I seem to have taken their forgiveness for granted and acted like a real jerk most of the time.

It was never intentional, really, but what I am seeing now is that my issues with most people stemmed from my lack of proper relationship with God. No, I am not talking about salvation here. But rather it's a matter of trust. My failing to trust a God who is ultimately in control is the root for why I can't or won't open myself up to other people.

I'm being very vulnerable here and can absolutely say without a doubt that my actions over the past three decades have been driven out of a desire to avoid being hurt. Which, as my pastor says, is a great gas pedal but a really lousy steering wheel. But that is a post for another day.

Now I am working on seeing God in everyone and treating them as though they are all my friends. Even if they don't know it yet I have to make them see that my heart is towards them, in all things and at all times. A phrase that has killed me, mostly, is "People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care." It kills me because it sounds cliche and prosaic. It kills me because it sounds like one of those ultra convenient principle reversal slogans. You know the ones. But in this case it has proven absolutely true. In my relationship with everyone. I am beginning to see that nothing in this world is more important than relationships. First and foremost, my vertical one and then, from that my horizontal ones.

What are you most looking forward to this weekend?

Hmm... this weekend. That is a hard question. I think church, clearly, but I would also venture that I will finally get to offload some of my chaos. When I meet with people who speak into my life, I have the opportunity to let some of the chaos in my mind out. I can share it and control it or get rid of it.

It's kind of a mental colonic.

Yes, really.

God has managed to perform a move on my life recently I wouldn't have thought possible outside of professional wrestling. You know those moves, the ones where someone's arm is twisted behind them and then an ankle is grabbed somewhere and then the person is tossed through the air into a turnbuckle. Those moves.

Yes, really.

God has managed to put a vision in front of me that is beyond daunting. Impossible is actually the word I would use. It's so big that if He's not in it, it will catch fire and burn and take me with is as it goes.

Yes, really.

But at the same time He has revealed a character flaw in me so deep and reaching that it has touched every area of my life. My relationships, my faith, my career. Everything. Down to the tiniest little scrap of nothing.

Yes, really.

And now I am standing on the edge of everything and of less than nothing. My feet are too wide to balance in the middle. And I will soon go over one direction or another. Now, if history has any precedent here, it's that God will bring me through to success. But right now it's hard to see that. My mind only shifts over to the black void of failure on the other side.

Yes, I am really being that gothically melodramatic.

I want to share it all with all of you, those that might still read, but I have to wait until certain people know  all of what I am dealing with here. Because if I begin pontificating on all of this, I will end up going crazy. I need someone who cares enough about me but is not emotionally invested with me to tell me which direction I'm falling.

Yes, really.

I'm having to find new sources for my writing. Used to be, enough crap happened in my life that I had a reason to get on and moan and complain about it. I used to struggle and fight and scrape and my whining carried on in writing.

I don't have anything to complain about. At all. My life is beyond good these days. I mean, without a doubt, my life is the very best it has ever been. And that, more than anything, is what's caused me not to write. My writing, in general, has dried up. I don't write fiction, really, anymore.

But that all said, I can't complain about having nothing to complain about.

Things in the church are fantastic. We had a really solid show from our Easer push and new families join the church every single week.

The family life is amazing as the newest addition becomes more and more of a joy every day.

The job is going very well and I can't say I have ever been happier in a job than this one.

In my personal growth I have found strides into things that I never knew about myself. I am becoming something beyond the rational stoic that I was and am learning to make myself into something new, something different. Perhaps... in fact, I could start calling myself Gabe 2.0. Bobbi has noticed it. People at work have noticed it. Even my pastor has noticed it. God is getting me ready for something.

I have a feeling I know what it is and, if so, it's daunting, scary and amazing. It's a dream and a nightmare happening in parallel with me laughing in joy the whole way.

I will try to keep this updated more often to share with those of you who might have me in your RSS feeds. Two weeks. I will try to set a reminder to update this in two weeks. Stay tuned...

I for the most part think we still live in the Good america.  But every now and then I start seeing things chip away.

Like yesterday I stopped to talk to my oldest childs teacher.  I was asking if it would be ok if I brought cupcakes for snack time for his birthday on the 14th.  Then I realized that was also Valentines day and asked if I would be interrupting any celebrations for that.  She mentioned that she hadn't really thought that far ahead (who can blame the lady she has split kindergarten classes for just three hours each.  My brain would definitely be fried)  and then she mentioned some people don't celebrate Valentines day.  Which I was just like "COME ON" its just valentines day - there is nothing really religious affiliated with this holiday and its about love - does someone have a problem with love out there?  I mean the kicker to me was that they didn't have any Christmas celebration at all.  They had family heritage day.  That is all fine and dandy to celebrate your family heritage but lets have a little Christmas too.  I am so sick and tired of political correctness and lets not offend anyone.  I mean don't go out of your way to offend and be mean but also we can't pussy foot around everyone and everything because you will never have fun nor will you ever get anything done that way.  Our Forefathers would roll over in their grave if they saw how we acted in this country lately. 

When I was in school if you didn't celebrate a particular holiday you just had to sit outside the room during the party.  It sucked but they were not going to take the fun out of having a party for just one or two people.  The only thing I ever missed out on was a halloween party or two.  I grew up during the time of don't celebrate Halloween because its the devils holiday.  I do understand why people thought that.  But I honestly believe that my kids celebrating halloween is just fun, they like to dress up and they like to eat candy, they are not out sacrificing any animals or doing anything bad.  I wish I hadn't missed out on some Halloween but its not biggee.  My whole point here is they didn't stop the party for me.  And thats fine that would have been horrible that one child could stop the whole celebration.

I will go so far as to say take a poll of the parents in the class if they want their kids to celebrate or not a certain holiday.  If there is a large enough consensus then ok don't have a party.  Otherwise if it is that huge a deal keep your children home that day or something. 

I am so tired of all this stupidity of not wanting to offend someone because we celebrate things.  And it hasn't been that long that all this worrying about offending people has gone on.  But all of a sudden it has taken precedent.  No we don't celebrate all Holidays here of different countries but in my opinion thats ok,  I don't expect England or Saudi Arabia to celebrate Thanksgiving, its not a holiday they celebrate so I am ok with that.  I understand that not everyone in America is a Christian and they don't put certain beliefs in the holidays, but even Easter and Christmas can be celebrated, maybe its wrong as a christian to feel this way but there are still bunny's and ducks and chicks at Easter and there is also Santa Claus at Christmas. 

I guess this just irritates me because my son doesn't get to have the same fun and easy childhood as I did and generations before me.  I don't want him to miss out on fun in school and having fun parties and celebrating. I feel it is a shame that our children have to grow up in this pain in the butt world sometimes.

I will get off my soap box now.

What is the worst city you've ever been to and why? 
Submitted by Soup.

Uniontown, AL

You can't know until you've been there. It's one of the places I always said, "Hope goes there when it wants to die."

Second Place:

Pahrump, NV

Whorehouses, strip clubs (read: unlicensed whorehouses) and a setting that makes you think, "So this is where they filmed those The Hills Have Eyes movies."

It has been too long since I posted.

Oddly enough, though, I tend to post least when I have the most going on to post about. Generally I don't post the truly personal and gut wrenching aspects of my personal growth here. And the last two months? Well, let's just say the guts have been wrenched so much I probably don't have any left.

Over the course of December and into January I learned a lot about myself. I learned where I fit, where I don't fit and what parts of me that are going to change. These changes have all been good. They've hurt worse than anything I've been through thus far, but I can honestly say that without them, I would not have made it to our launch.

And what a launch. I've been waiting for this for more than a year and a half. In the course of that time let me give you a little snapshot of things that have happened.

1. My parents were divorced.
   
2. I lost a few friends to the change my life undertook.
3. I gained a whole host of true and invaluable friends.
   
4. I gained a mentor.
5. I got fired.
6. I moved two thousand miles from the only place I've ever called home.
7. I spent two months out of work surviving on, quite literally, faith.
8. Walked right up to the line with the birth of my fourth and likely final child, Lili.
   
9. Went through the death of my grandfather.
   
10. Submitted myself to a veritable meat grinder of tests that have proven me.
11. Launched the church that began all of these changes.

It's been a wild and crazy ride. Unlike anything I have ever experienced. But what's funny is that now I am seeing that the worst aspects of all of this, the very worst, are the most valuable. Good things are nice. Comfort is ok. But pain, well, pain is like hard currency.

I see so many people experiencing pain and wishing their way out of it. I hear of them committing crimes like fraud to get out of pain. I hear of them choosing their comforts over their growth. And yet, I am coming to realize that even while Jesus was in the midst of being scourged he wouldn't have traded a single ripping, tearing lash. My pain is valuable, his pain was paramount.

I believe it was Bill Gates who said, "Success is a lousy teacher." And I agree to a degree.

I recommend that each and every one of you out there, or, if any of you are even still reading, go and buy this book.

Lord, Change My Attitude: Before Its Too Late

James MacDonald

It's not like anything you've read so get that out of your head. It's not about how to see other people's attitudes and to discern their problems. Sure, there might be a little of that in there, but this book is a referendum on how we live out our day to day lives.

I read some of it and realized that there are things in there that don't really apply to me. Well, not me now anyway. Once upon a time I know it definitely did. But then there are things which are exquisitely painful to read.

"If I could have that then I would be happy."

That's the attitude of covetousness and it's one of the attitudes James MacDonald tackles. I thought, as I began that particular chapter, "Well, I know I don't have a problem with covetousness." And then he asked if I had ever even thought, "If I could just have this one thing, then I would be happy." And I winced. I have thought that. I've said that out loud.

And so I had to spend time repenting and truly changing the way I thought. There is one chapter in there about a Critical Attitude. That chapter messed me up in the best way possible. I had to go back and repent, in urgent desperate need of forgiveness to so many people I've wronged with my overly critical attitude. I mean, I think I have gone to everybody I know and confessed it and asked for help and forgiveness.

Anyhoo, I am rambling and won't spoil anything further. Go get the book, though. It's truly awesome.

Hopefully soon I can post some video of our services. I want to share the first thing I bought with my pain with all of you.

We shall see...

For those of you who don't know, the only real grandfather I have ever had died today. He was my Papa. I am grieving but not in a way most people grieve. There are no horrible sobs or heartwrenching gasps. No, I grieve because I realize a great force of good and love has left our world. And I pray that someone is born who can fill the gap he leaves.

My grandfather is much the reason I am here today. When my father was out chasing buried treasure (literally) and making no money, my Papa would somehow magically appear on our doorstep with food for my family. When my father celebrated lying and deceit, my Papa honored an honest heart. That particular event nearly resulted in my death, but I will always regard it as a time where I did what was right and nearly paid the ultimate price for it.

My Papa. What can I say? He was flawed, sure, and that had as much to do with his culture and birth as anything. But even his flaws weren't without merit. He earned his stripes. He served in government for sixty years. He was almost a demigod in our small town. And still is. I can't afford the $700.00 for a ticket home to the funeral (gladly accepting donations) but I know what I would see if I went there. Hundreds of people will crowd that funeral to listen to him eulogized. Hundreds more will weep from where they are.

My Papa is with the Lord now. The Lord he honored even if he didn't always do it in the quote unquote 'right' way, it was the Lord he loved still. He died but his memories will echo for many generations. I will tell his stories to my grandchildren. How he used to be a father to me when my own failed in that. How he'd fetch me and we'd both go off and do maintenance on the creek that ran through his massive estate. How we'd build simple bridges and we'd clear brush and we'd do the things that men did. Mind you, this was the only time in my life where a man showed me what it meant to be a man. We'd sit and eat with his hired workers. Tomato sandwiches, cold sweet tea and potato chips was our fair.

He had odd little ways of blessing us, his grandchildren. We'd go to Shoney's and he'd order a hot fudge sundae for himself and would then take a single bite only to let us finish it. He loved his son, my father, when my father didn't deserve love. He stopped letting my father hurt him, emotionally, but he never gave up on him. He loved all of his grandchildren like they were his own.

When my mother heard her father had passed she was eight months pregnant with me. She went across the road in the cold to my Papa's house. There she told him her Daddy had died. He told her, without even a pause,  "Then I'll be your Daddy now." And he treated her just like that. Even after my parents divorced, he treated her like she was his daughter.

He was a mythic and legendary. He was a force of nature. What he wanted done was done, every time. When he spoke to someone, they listened. He was five feet eight inches tall and yet, he talked down men who are bigger than I. My mother visited him in court one day - he was the circuit clerk - and a particularly quarrelsome case had just come before him. A man, big and tall and mean, came storming over to my grandfather to dispute the judgment that had just been handed down. He had been ordered to pay five hundred dollars. He cursed my grandfather, the judge, the county and the state. He claimed it was an injustice and he sure as hell wasn't paying any money. He slammed his fist down onto the table where my grandfather was sitting. My Papa pulled out a massive pipe wrench from under the table and sat it down on the table between them. I think he asked the man if he had a problem and the man broke off his bluff. Papa would have whipped him, too.

He wasn't fluff. There was so much substance to him that you could scarcely take it in. He added value to this world every place he went. And what little he asked of this world was fitting tribute. He was a king and a lord in his own right; master of his domain.

The world weeps and the heavens rejoice.

Goodbye Papa, say hi to the many, many you outlasted.

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If your Vox Neighborhood had a potluck dinner tonight, what dish, drink or dessert would you bring?

Either sweet potatoes, yes everyone LOVES my sweet potatoes, or possibly baked mac and cheese. I am a good cook and I am confident enough to say that. And what drives my desire to cook? The satisfied exclamations of those around me, eating the food I prepared for them.